Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Nine months

Nine months.

Nine months.  274 hardest and loneliest days without my best friend. I still cannot even believe this is real life. I am just waiting for CJ to walk though the door with his big smile. I am waiting for my heart to skip a beat when I see his face light up a room.  For my heart to stop aching.. For us to be us again. Then it hits and it starts to register and I feel like the tears will never end. I never do want them to end. I want to feel it all.

The past nine months I've continued to read, write in my journal, go to the temple and get on my knees and pray. My family has taken care of me.. Without them, I would still be in bed. Crying all day long. Right now I am in Mexico, on a Book of MormonMormon I don't have a choice. I get up every day for him. I have moments, daily where the tears will pour and my heart feels so heavy. Traveling triggers a lot of emotions because CJ wanted to show me the world. My life just still feels still and very upside down. It's a constant mental battle to not think too much. . 

Still, I don't understand why this could happen (i never think i will) but I am so comforted to know that we are sealed for ETERNITY. That doesn't make the hurt to away.. It's constant, but, it is that little speck of light that I see at the end of this long tunnel. The gospel is true. The temple sealing is a bond that cannot break.. He is waiting for me. CJ loves me and I know that with no doubt in my mind. I sat with Elder Holland and he told me that I am CJ's #1 priority and that he is with me always and loves more than I can understand. I am so lucky to know that he will always be my husband and I will always be his wife.. For eternity. I wish that could start sooner.

Yes, it is still a continual struggle daily to function, but I can see tiny baby steps that I have done. For one, I eat. I've gone to 4 weddings. Being a bridesmaid in two of them.. it was HARD, but at the same time I am so happy our friends finally get to see how amazing and wonderful marriage is. I miss it. I have learned to have empathy for those who mourn in the deepest way... A new love for those around me and for those who I haven't even met. I feel I am seeing people more how CJ did... And how my Heavenly Father and my savior does. I can really see what is important here.. The gospel, eternal families,  and loving relationships. To not live in regret..  I know that my CJ lived his life to the fullest. How I need to keep that alive in me.. But, in baby steps.

I love my CJ. I love him so much. I love how much he loves me and how he showed me and told me daily.  Nine months.. I can't even think about it with our getting overwhelmed with tears and sadness. My love for him has grown and it will always grow because it isn't the end. I Love this quote: "loving relationships continue beyond the doors of death and judgement. Family tie s endure because of dealings in the temple. Their importance cannot be overstated." - Elder Scott

Everything will be alright in the end.
So if it's not all right. It's not the end.
- unknown

It's not the end, and I am grateful for eternity with the man I love... (Easier said than done.. I want him here and now.. But in the end.. I will never leave his side AGAIN)

I am so grateful for all the prayers.. For the support and love that surrounds me. For the people who have been put in My paths.. And for new friendships. I know we meet some people for a reason.. And I know CJ is searing me there.

Sent from my iPhone