A little memory today. I love him

http://youtu.be/qR3rK0kZFkg

I found this link today... It made me smile. One day I was feeling down. I went to an interview to be a flight attendant and got turned away at the door for being an inch too tall. I called CJ and he told me to just drive to his work "that his babe just needed a hug". He would be waiting for me to come outside. I did what I was told.. drove straight to Fidelity and there he was, my handsome man, with his hands in his pockets waiting for my arrival. I got out and he just held me and told me it would all be ok, not to worry. I felt save there. I miss him. When I got back to work, (dont worry, I left my current job on a "lunch break" to go to this interview) this video was waiting for me to open in my email. CJ wanted me to watch it and hoped it would make me smile. CJ ALWAYS knew how to make me smile, how to make me feel so loved, and to support my madness. I love him. miss him like CRAZY.

Calories

If there is one thing you know about CJ is the boy LOVES to eat. Not just any plain jane food, good food. CJ liked to say he had a “sophisticated food palate” and knew a good meal. He did.

When we first started to date… Girls being girls, I would order a salad. CJ would take me to all these different places to eat with food from around the world, and I was clueless on what to order. I soon came to my senses and LOVED it with him. I think one of our biggest argument (haha if you even call it an argument) was whenever we went to eat, I would always like his food better and I would get mad because I wanted his over mine. He always just smiled at me, and even gave in and would switch me plates just because he loves me so much… but to solve our “argument” CJ came up with a solution, a game changer, he loved fixing a situation to benefit us both. He said “why don’t I just order my two top choices from the menu and we can switch half way and both be happy about it. BOOM, solved.  I hardly even looked at a menu from that point on because I always knew he would pick a good meal. One thing I always loved with him, is he would always ask me if our waiter/waitress looked like a “good eater”? If so, we trusted their opinion to what the best thing to order on the menu. We both considered ourselves “good eaters”. We were so good… we had a club, the C.P.C. club- CLEAN PLATE CLUB. Whenever we were in the club for our meal… CJ would say “das my babe” and give me a big high five or at the end of our meal… which ALWAYS had to end on a dessert, we would do our hand shake to each other laughing with how much we ate.

He wasn’t just a simple “light” meal eater either… he was a three course meal… all meals of the day.  He loved desserts…and I love that because most men (or at least I feel this way) are not huge treat people. Not my babe.  This the main reason we had our “love weight” gain once we were married. We were so happy we ate it up… every day was date night, and we both put on some LBS of love.

Whenever we went on a trip… our days revolved around where the best place to eat was…. Because lets get real people, that is the best part of your day.. FOOD. Without it we get hungry and grumpy… CJ is a happy guy… so we just kept that food coming, it always made me so happy to see him eat a good meal… I guess people noticed that about us, because for our year anniversary my parents took us to Vegas and we went to a buffet because my dad said: “I like to see you both eat because it makes you happy..” haha, so for our anniversary my dad wanted to watch us eat together.

My favorite memory, maybe of all times (well the one I laughed the most at) is when we were in New York. We were just walking around the city and I just wanted to test CJ to see if he knew my favorite food, so I asked what that was (I don’t even know what y favorite food is, I just wanted to see what he would say) He just turned to me with the biggest smile and said “CALORIES” he didn’t even break into a laugh, It was like a sincere answer… he did pause before he answered, gave it some thoughts, and that is his answer “my babe loves her calories, anything that has calories, she love them”. I tried to be mad about the comment.. but I just started to laugh and gave him a big ole kiss because he just loves his babe… no matter how beastly I was. I thought it was the cutest answer/insulting answer, but very truthful. We both just would ask that question throughout our trip and just laugh… calories. The more I think about this, the more it really is the most LOVING answer. He just loves me. He always said I would love you even if you gained 100 pounds… it’s just more to love!! Haha.  I can just see him looking at me with that smirk just laughing at me.

Whenever I order now, I always ask the waiter what his favorite meal is.. and base my order off that. I know CJ would be proud of me.. I am actually making a decision and ordering how he taught me to. I miss him like crazy… and love him like CRAZY!

Easter Sunday Weekend

CJ and I flew down to California.. so that CJ could officially ask my dad if he could marry his daughter, ME, over Easter weekend. Right before we flew down on that Thursday (2010), CJ sat me down and told me how the ring wasn't ready. That he tried to get the ring finished in time because he knew I would love it if he proposed when we were with my WHOLE family around. I was a little bummed but I didn't care because I was going to marry him no matter what. So, I said ok, and we flew to California.

The next morning CJ and my dad went golfing.  I knew that CJ was going to ask my dad the BIG question, so I was all giddy, waiting for them to come home!! CJ came back and said it was fine.. played golf... asked the question.. and we were good to go- WE WERE GETTING MARRIED!! I can still remember how excited I was and the butterflies I had. MY DAD SAID YES!!

Saturday we hung out, played tennis, hung out with my family, and watched conference. All my sisters and everyone was asking me if CJ had the ring, if I knew what it looked like, when he was going to ask. I didn't have the answer for any questions, I was just on cloud nine and knew I was going to marry my CJ.  CJ and his best friend, Andrew, designed my ring and I had no idea what it was going to look like. CJ and I spent a total of 15 minutes in a ring store and CJ said he knew what "he/I wanted". The funny thing is that I didn't even know what I wanted, but I trusted CJ's taste, and we left the store... I just had to be surprised. So, I had no clue about the when, where, how, what... I just knew how excited I was to marry him!

Sunday, the entire family came to my parents house for Easter. Grandpa, Grandma, Aunt, Uncle, some cousins, and all my brothers and sisters with their kids. We did the Easter egg hunt, CJ helped hide eggs for the kids, and I loved just watching him be apart of my family. The best part is we took a family picture and CJ stood right next to me... he was going to be the newest addition to the family and I was so excited! I was squeezing his hand so tight in the pictures and he would whisper funny things to me like "its not official yet".. but it was and I was so proud to show him off to my entire family.  After we ate and said bye to my grandparents and cousins, CJ really wanted to go to the beach. He had a valid point too... he flew all the way to California, he needed to at least see the beach before we flew home the next day. I vividly remember grabbing a blanket and heading out the door.. all my family was acting all giddy and right before I shut the door I popped my head back in and said "don't worry everyone, he doesn't have the ring, he isn't proposing.. we will be back in like an hour", and I shut the door behind me. We drove down to the beach and we talked about how fun it would have been if he had the ring.. so that my grandparents could see. I agreed, but I was totally fine because I knew it was going to happen... eventually!!

We parked the car at "our spot", which is right down in Carlsbad, off or Christiansen St. Went down the stairs and started to walk down the beach holding CJ's hand, not even thinking that he would ask the BIG question. We came up to these rocks and CJ said lets sit and watch the sunset, our favorite, so I agreed and headed to the rocks. We picked the rock and I started to climb when CJ started to tug at my waist and forced me to turn around. I said " I'm trying to climb here", when I turned around and saw CJ on one knee. The next thing out of my mouth was "CJ this isn't a funny joke... you told me you didn't have the ring", and I almost turned to start climbing again when he reached inside of his jacket coat pocket, and pulled out a ring!! I was totally in shock! I remember his face smiling at me and he told me how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, how much he loved me, and how excited he was to marry me. I said YES, YES, YES!!! I couldn't believe it... he totally punked me. I believed every word that came out of his mouth... so I really didn't think he had the ring. I was so happy and excited.. and CJ was so nervous and excited he started to put the ring on the wrong hand. We both started laughing and kissing, we were so happy! I shouted from the top of my lungs "I'M ENGAGED!!!!!" This random lady watched it all happen, came up to us after, and wanted to look at my ring... she said "oh, he's a keeper", I couldn't agree more. I just kept looking at my ring and CJ and laughing about how I was punked! CJ told me that he told my dad on Friday, that he had the ring, and that is was going to happen on Sunday when the family was together. That plan didn't happen as planned. CJ wanted it to just be us.. he got nervous and thought about doing it a couple times that day... but it never felt right. We  finally climbed and sat up on our rock and watched the sunset together. He sat behind me and wrapped us in a blanket and held me so tight. I was the happiest girl on earth because I am going to marry the best guy in the world, MY CJ!! It was pretty cold and windy, so as soon as the sun set we went to the car. I remember we had to stop and get gas and that is when I kept taking pictures of my ring and sending texts... how he called his mom and family! We both we smiling ear to ear.

When we came home... I was surprised with a family PARTY! Everyone knew he had the ring, BUT ME, and as soon as we left they went to the store and got sparkling cider and cute cups! I was so excited to show off my ring, and CJ was relieved to finally tell the truth and put the ring on my finger!! The funny thing as I looked back on that day.. I could totally tell that my family was always giving CJ and I space through out the day.. but ALWAYS watching me. I only was watching CJ, so I didn't even thing twice about their weird behaviors. CJ apologized to my grandparents for not asking when I was there.. but my grandma and grandpa loved CJ, so they were so excited! We cracked open the sparkling cider and diet coke, my favorite, and toasted to US! I was going to me the wife to my hunk of a man CJ. I couldn't stop looking at my ring and I couldn't leave CJ's side... we were so happy.

It was the greatest day of my life. It was the start of our lives together. We were so excited. CJ proposed to me on Easter. He said he wanted to do it on a holiday, so that he would never forget a special date, and remember to celebrate extra. It was the best Easter I could ask for. Each year the day of Easter lands on a different date, but our rule is that we just go off the day of the holiday... and called it good.

Sister Samantha

The first time that I met CJ (when you guys were actually admitting to liking and dating each other) was when we met up for lunch at Chef’s table.  I was happy that even though we were in town for a short time I was going to get to see you, and even more excited that you wanted to bring a boy!  You Miller girls are always so private about those types of things, so I knew that you must really like this guy to bring him around.  Kyle and I were impressed with him from the start.  I don’t remember everything we talked about that day, except that I learned that he was a local and grew up in Provo, that he liked BYU, that he was athletic and liked sports.  I remember thinking that he was a nice, normal guy; that he was confident and funny and witty and smart.  I remember leaving really excited and happy and hoping that he was it for you.  I knew that if you married him, you’d love him like I love Kyle.  That we would travel together, the boys would golf, we’d lay out in the sun, we’d all definitely eat good food. 

I remember sitting on your couch one day, talking BYU sports with Kyle and CJ.  He was talking about how BYU fans were crazy most of the time, and we agreed!  And then as if I needed to prove it, I started saying that at least when BYU does well in sports (talking about BYU versus U of Utah), it was a missionary tool because people associate BYU with Mormons, but not so much U of U with Mormons.  Haha  He totally didn’t agree, and I could feel myself getting frustrated with MY own lack of being able to communicate what I was really trying to say.  So I tried to drop it by leaving the conversation/room, which only made it more embarrassing because it seemed like I was storming off and mad.  So embarrassing.  I was slightly devastated because I thought he was so cool and I liked him so much and I didn’t want him to think I was a crazy person who was trying to argue with him!  I just wanted to be bffs!  Haha

Imagine my relief when we got together next and he was just so kind to me and treated me so nice.  I was so relieved that he didn’t hold it against me and I felt like we were instant friends.  And instant family.  I was so grateful.   

  

Both of us being inlaws to the Miller family, I really felt some solidarity with him when it came to traditions and holidays.  I loved that when Thanksgiving came around and I was still talking about how weird it was that the Millers don’t do rolls for Thanksgiving- he TOTALLY got it and agreed with me!   He was the one that encouraged me to bring my own traditions and start MAKING ROLLS for Thanksgiving- they were one of his favorite parts too.  And then on Christmas eve when I was being a little fanatical about us having to do the nativity before the kids went to bed, CJ was the one person who got it.  I remember he said after our makeshift nativity that he was glad that we did that because it actually made the night feel like Christmas eve.  And even though I knew I was being stubborn by insisting on the nativity, I loved him for that comment and that it meant something to him too. 

 I loved driving around that night, just us grownups, before the nativity.  When I think of that night I think of all of us stuffed in a little car, in a drive through, laughing our heads off as I told Siri “I WANT PIZZA!!!” (Or some other food...I can’t remember exactly.)  All I know is I just told siri I wanted it and she gave me directions and we all were laughing that it worked, since it was pretty beasty.

CJ made all of our family outings even more fun and festive.  I remember being on his team in volleyball, late one night during Thanksgiving break.  The game was close, and we circled up for a team meeting.  I looked him in the eyes and said, “I really want to win” and in equal intensity he looked at me and said, “I know you do.  I want to too!!”  We were all like “let’s do this!”  haha It was an intense game and I think in the end  we won that one!  I also think about playing tennis against him down in Palm springs.  We all sucked compared to him, but even so, he stopped to give me tips on how to hold my racket so that I could play better.  I remember noticing specifically how kind and patient he was with all of us Miller girls, really wanting to help us improve our own games and probably amp up our games against him to give him a little better competition.  J 

I really admired how confident and self-assured he was.  If all the Millers were just hanging out at the house and he wanted to go do something, he wasn’t waiting for permission or approval of everyone to go.  He did what he wanted, even though he was new to our family.  And I seriously loved it.  It made me feel less pressure, like if something didn’t work for me, I didn’t have to do it!  You know?  Does that even make sense?  I remember when you guys decided to stay in Palm Desert (even though we were all leaving and that meant we were going to celebrate New Year’s together without the two of you), we all laughed, and I remember saying to Kyle, “I love that even though he’s new to the family, he doesn’t feel pressure to come with all of us.  They want to stay so they are staying!  I didn’t know we could do that!  I’m going to start doing that!”

I feel a little gipped, living so far away, having so little time with CJ.  I am beyond grateful for our crazy Thanksgiving break, staying up until 1 am every night, playing volleyball, eating maple bars.  At the time I was trying to say goodbye to my 20’s with gusto, and now when I think about it I’m just so grateful for my midlife crisis because that short time together was packed to the gills with so much fun.

 And I feel the same way about our Christmas break.  I’m so grateful for every minute of that trip; all of the times we all laughed together.   I think about our sledding trip, and how CJ found those discarded sleds that really made the day fun.  The tennis, the swimming, going out to Babe’s.  It was such a fun trip.  I loved seeing you so happy.  I loved that CJ was a part of our family.  I thought he fit in so well and I was so happy to see you in such a loving and happy relationship.  It was obvious that you two were such a great match. 

I know that most of the family ate dinner with CJ at Café Rio on Feb. 13^th.  Ironically, the last time I saw CJ was also at Café Rio.  I had decided last minute to stay an extra week in Vista after Christmas while Kyle flew home to work.  One of the last days I was there, we drove the 45 minutes up to Café Rio so that we could all meet up one more time before I left.  I remember specifically being grateful that CJ was able to join us, and he introduced me to a new side dish- some bean dip dish- chile con queso maybe?  I thought it was pretty hilarious, because, you know, we are all a little beasty.  J  CJ embraced that side of you and the rest of us. 

Keri, I’m so sorry that he isn’t here with us anymore.  I’ve been thinking about him so much lately.  About our time spent together and about the devastation of the accident last year.  I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve had to endure.  I just want you to know that not a day goes by where Kyle and I aren’t praying for you.  You are included in ALL of our family and personal prayers.  I know you know that already.   I wish I could take your pain away.  I know that the only thing that brings me peace is my knowledge of the plan of salvation and eternal families, and I hope for you moments and stretches of that same peace.  I think you are amazing and so special, and I know that Heavenly Father and your CJ are so proud of you and love you so much.  We all do. 

Little Kate and Owen

Kate:

We would take out cushions and someone would get on the floor and they were the hot lava monster and when you step on the floor you have to be the hot lava monster. 

Owen-When he was the monster he would get us.  He would pull our legs off the cushions so that we touched the lava.   it was so fun. 

Kate- He gave us a lot of rides. 

Owen- and he plays with us.  Ring around the rosies.  Hide and seek. 

Kate- One night Bailey and me and Owen were going to get on the couch and he kept lifting it up and down and up and down.  It was a fun ride. 

Sometimes he jumped on the trampoline with us.

Owen- when he’d jump we’d always fall and it was fun. 

Kate- I love cj.  

My little brother TY

Unlike what other family and friends who love and know CJ have wrote, I have not tried to write this over and over. I have done the exact opposite by purposefully ignoring the idea of this for a long time. I have not sat at the computer for days on end trying to figure out the perfect way to write down everything I cherish so much about my brother CJ. I feel childish and stupid for doing this, but I was scared. Scared to remember, scared to cry, scared it wont help, scared to make my sister cry, and scared especially because it makes this awful tragedy all too real again. I still don’t want to accept its real. I still don’t want to hear my sister cry. But I need to write this, for one I told my sister I would and I need to stop being a terrible brother, and two because I really want everyone to know how much I love my sister Keri and her amazing husband CJ. I love you both so much!

As I have internalized everything starting from the accident one year ago I remember and feel a lot of things. The first and most overwhelming feeling is sad; I Miss CJ! Everyday! I miss Keri and CJ together! The way they smiled at each other, the way CJ laughed at my sisters insanity, the way he would say “that a babe” about every burp or tiny accomplishment Keri would flaunt, the way he openly loved my sister. I miss it all! I miss it because I looked up to it. Being the youngest I have always looked up to my sisters and my brother. They have all been so important in my life and I love them all so much. Keri and CJ was different for me though because unlike the older siblings marriages, their relationship started and developed when I was old enough to understand and appreciate it. Their relationship is the blue print for me of what the perfect couple is and what it should always be, and I want to have that! Everytime I saw them together I was envious of what they had. It was never the toys or clothes they had, (although CJ did have great taste in clothes and shoes and loved to dress fancy and loved to spoil keri in the same way) it was always the laugh they shared that I wanted. They both laughed and had so much fun together all the time. One of my favorite times with them was when we got to play tennis together. I don’t want to brag but me Keri and CJ were clearly the best three in the family when it came to tennis. We three all secretly agreed on this fact but never told the others. I remember one specific time when it was just us three playing tennis and we played this game they made up called points. Id like to say my favorite part was winning, but the thing I remember most is the crazy insane laugh both of them had when they played each other. It always started with Keri trying to hit it super hard back at CJ, and CJ returning it just as hard back at her. The hits would get progressively harder and louder. Then as the rally would continue they both would start to have a crazy/evil laugh filled with excitement and hint of nervous. Neither one of them wanted to lose and both were afraid to be the one to mess up. I miss that laugh, but I will always remember it. Even when they tried to fight over something they laughed together. I can remember another time when I went shopping with Keri, and she decided to buy a new IPAD case because she didn’t like the one they already had. She was so excited to show CJ her new purchase and was the first thing she showed him when she walked in the door. CJ started out rationally by explaining they didn’t need it and at the same time argued that the case they had already was better than the one she just bought. Keri argued that the ipad would fall out and her new better case would hold it in. As the playful bickering continued it once again turned into crazy insane laughing at each other, and ended with CJ winning and Keri jumping on him. They laughed even when they disagreed. I cannot remember one time where they both didn’t laugh and smile at or with each other. I will always smile and have great joy when I remember Keri and CJ, especially their crazy, insane, sometimes slightly evil, and always loving laugh. I will always strive to find that laugh with someone so I can be as happy as them. But I am still sad today, sad because I miss CJ and sad for my sister Keri.

The second emotion I feel as I think back is enormous gratitude. I am so grateful for everything CJ has done for my sister Keri, my family, and me. This is a tough one for me to put down because I feel my words will not really show how truly grateful I am that CJ married my sister Keri and that I can call him by brother. First I’m grateful because he married my weird one of a kind sister. They were soul mates from the beginning. They lived in a weird world together off on their own and they both loved it so much. Not only did he marry her though, he made her happier than any other person in the world. I could see it in her smile. My sister has always been the unsaid spoiled child in our family, and when she married CJ the spoiling continued and grew. He did anything and everything for Keri and did it all with a smile. I don’t think anything made him happier than the act and process of making Keri happy. I used to always say that Keri was living in a fantasy bubble because she got whatever she wanted whenever she wanted. I loved skyping my sister and hearing about her daily problems consisting of what show to watch on Netflix next or how she was worried because her and CJ would eat out every meal. It was funny because even her problems couldn’t hide that she was so happy all the time. I loved seeing her smile and laugh when we skyped. I also loved how I don’t think I ever once talked to CJ over skype, and that’s because he was always in the background studying and working hard. I am so grateful for his hard work. No matter what the job was, CJ worked harder and studied harder than anyone I knew so he could be the best. I don’t know much about his job, partly because I never really understood the conversations we had about it because he was way to smart for me, but I do know that CJ was the best. I am so grateful that he worked so hard to be the best man he could be, because my sister Keri deserves the best. I am also so eternally grateful for the impact CJ has had in my life. He has been the best role model I could ever have. He has shown me how to work hard, how to play harder, and most importantly how to live the gospel. A year ago when the accident happened, I was not going to church. I never really thought about being mormon for the rest of my life even though I had grown up in the church. I didn’t really care about it. I did know that CJ loved living the gospel everyday, and although I didn’t think about it at the time, I took notice of his true love for the gospel. The days following the accident were the worst days of my life, but amongst the tragedy my heart was softened and open to the feelings of the spirit. In the following weeks I poured my heart out in prayer to my heavenly father asking for guidance. I know without a doubt CJ touched my heart in those moments of prayer. And in those moments I knew that CJ lives once again with Jesus Christ. I knew that CJ wanted me to be better than I was, and I knew that CJ loved me enough to push me to become the person I am today. Today I am preparing to go on a mission to Milan Italy! I wish I could share this excitement with him, I know he is so happy for me. Through CJs amazing example of his life here on earth I know how to live the gospel. I will live the gospel for the rest of my life. I am so eternally grateful for CJ. I am grateful for the knowledge I have of eternal families. I love my brother CJ so much and look forward to the day when I get to be side by side with him once again, living and loving the gospel together.

The last thing I feel and remember about CJ is love. I love CJ. I love my family. I love my sister Keri. CJ too shared these common loves with me. I want to explain why I feel love is so important when I remember CJ through a couple stories. The first reminds me how much CJ loves his family. I was with my family visiting Keri for her graduation. After the graduation CJ invited us over to his moms house. The first thing I remember was that as soon as we walked in CJ hugged his mom. He loves his mom with all his heart. It was clear to me as im sure it was to everyone else that CJ has an amazing ability to love, especially his family. The next thing I remember is how instantly the get together became a sports competition. CJ was the ring leader and got everyone, from the smallest nephew to the oldest brother, and started a basketball game. CJ tried hard, as he did with everything, to win, but even more impressive was how excited he got for when anyone else scored. If anyone else got anywhere close to doing something impressive CJ would show his excitement for you. He has an amazing ability to make those around him feel so loved by him, and I think the reason is because he earnestly loved each and every family member with all his heart. I can still picture CJ picking up his little nephew Milo and running around with him after he scored a basket. The excitement and love he has for his family is beyond measurable. I miss seeing his love for others in person. I miss feeling his love towards me and my family. I know his love continues towards each of his family members everyday.

The last story of love is particularly special to me. Its not how I remember CJ loving me or my family, but how I will always remember him loving my sweet sister Keri. The one thing I loved immediately when I heard of CJ was that he was an avid golfer. I love golf and I was so excited to have a new friend to play with. I was also kind of nervous because I had heard rumors that CJ was really good, like really good. So knowing this, the first time meeting CJ I wanted to play golf to see if the rumors were true. Being CJ he was already way ahead of me, within the first couple hours of meeting him CJ he had already set up a tee time for the following morning. So the next morning just me and CJ drove to the golf course together. When we got their he scrambled ahead of me quickly and paid for me golf before I even had a chance to. That’s just how CJ did things, he wanted everyone to be happy. So with high expectations and all we teed off the first hole. CJs very first drive was awful! Hit it way left and barely stayed in bounce. I didnt have a much better drive, but still I was not impressed so far, the legend of CJ was not so great. I also remember vividly chipping in on the first hole to make par while CJ struggled for Bogey. I remember that CJ was kinda frustrated and didn’t realize I chipped in, and thought it was funny because it wasn’t the usual way to start off a golf round. The next couple holes were both funny and awkward to me. Funny because CJ was continuing to play terrible. The first 5 holes he hooked his drive really bad left. I thought it was funny, but it was also kinda awkward because I didn’t know at the time, but CJ is extremely competitive. And when he doesn’t play how he wants to he gets extremely frustrated. After every tee shot he would scream with frustration and then walk to his ball practicing his swing because he could not figure it out. This continued until the 6^th hole when upon arriving on the tee box his phone rang. I didn’t think he was gonna pick it up because he was still just so mad at himself and everything. Once he picked up his phone I immediately knew who it was. Now up to this point I was still not sure how much CJ really loved my sister, they weren’t married yet and he could just be some guy for all I knew. That all changed when he picked up the phone. “Hey babe” is all it took for CJ to change frustration around. I can still intensely picture the smile CJ had as he talked to my sister keri on the golf course that day. Im not sure what he talked about, I do know that he laughed at keri over the phone in the way only CJ could, he smiled more than he had all day while on the phone, and that he ended his phone call by saying I love you. In that moment I knew that CJ loved my sister more than anything else. Keri and only Keri is the one thing that could make CJ smile that way. I saw an angry, yelling, and frustrated  CJ go from mad to smiling with one phone call. He loved Keri so much that even angry super competitive CJ couldn’t be mad at the sound of her voice. That is the first time I saw CJs love for my sister Keri. I will always keep that moment close to my heart. I am still amazed today, especially as I got to know CJ more, that he was able to love one person so much. I cherish the time I spent golfing with CJ, he beat me I think every time, but I still loved it. But more than that I admire his ability to love my sister as only he could. I know that CJ is Keris soul mate. I know that his love for her is deeper than I will ever know. And I also know that CJ today, just as he did on that golf course, smiles and loves keri more and more with each passing moment.

I am sad everyday that CJ passed away, it doesn’t seem fair. I am also grateful for his impact that he has had on my family and me personally. And more than anything I love CJ and will miss him dearly until we meet again.

So Keri and everyone else who loves CJ, be sad because we miss him just as he misses and is sad for us. Be grateful for the time we had with such an amazing friend, brother, son, and husband. And love everyone around you just as CJ did everyday of his life.

CJ,

 I love you. I miss you. I AM GOING ON A MISSION!!!! I know your just as exited for me as I am. And I know we will meet again.

365 days without you

Valentines day, a day we never liked, and we always said we loved each other every day; we didn't need a day to make it extra special Last valentines day I remember waking up to CJ giving me a kiss and saying " happy valentines day!". The night before we were just taking about how we would just hang out together at home, no big plans, and I told him all I needed was him and I was perfect. I thought about maybe cutting our sandwiches in a heart shape and surprise him, since I brought him lunch every day to work. I got up and went to the bathroom half asleep and as I was walking back to bed, with my eyes half open, CJ laid a good one one me and said "did you know I love you?' He was extra awake and spunky. I heard him get ready and watched him shave in the mirror of the bathroom. He was my handsome babe. He got ready and then out the door he went, just like any other day… but it was the last time I told my CJ I love him. Living only three block from work, CJ biked to work because he loved riding his bike and it was a sunny day. I wish I could go back and change it all… I have so many flash backs of this day.. and this horrible nightmare I wish I was dreaming.  It has been 365 days… the longest days of my life. The HARDEST days of my life. I want it to go away and I want US back. I love my CJ… more than words can describe.

One Year. It is unreal to me. How can he be gone? He still feels so alive in my heart….

I miss laughing with him, he always made me laugh. I miss the way he looked at me.. like I was the only person in the world to him. I loved it. When we would be in a group of people, and somehow, I would find him in the room and he would just be grinning at me, with "that grin" where I felt so much LOVE from him. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world to be loved by that cute guy across the room, that he was mine. I miss just him driving the car and holding his hand. I loved holding his hand, he had good looking hands. I am not just saying that because I love everything about him.. but he really had some great hands. He could have been a hand model. I miss the text saying "good morning lover butt" in the mornings when he knew I would just be waking up. I miss bringing him lunch, I loved waiting for him at our picnic table right outside his work… I would just wait until I saw that big smile walking out the doors. He would act all professional, until he got outside and would give me his crazy face and I would always get butterflies waiting for my handsome. I miss our "freakin weekends"! Every friday at about 4:55 I would get a text saying "its the freakin weekend" and how he wanted to take me on a cute date. We lived for the weekends because they were days we could be with each other EVERY SECOND! How on saturdays we slept hard!! I never used to sleep in late, but CJ taught me how to sleep in, and I loved it because I would wake up to my best friend. I loved how we could just lay there for hours together, not wanting to move, and being totally ok with it. I miss going to play tennis with my buddy, we were playing like 3-4 times a week…and I haven't even had the courage yet to play with our fancy rackets CJ bought us. My mind goes back to our last weekend together. How I spent every second with him doing our favorites together. I could go on for pages and pages of what I miss… I miss so much. What I miss most is that CJ took care of me, how I knew no matter what I did, he would laugh and tell me its ok.  How life used to be so happy and full… I knew what I wanted most.. to be a mom. How we would talk about how we would be that mom and dad dancing in the kitchen to our techno music… how we were going to be the cool parents. I miss seeing CJ light up with kids. How he loved talking about how he would be that dad that coached his boys after work, how he was going to be such a good dad. THIS is what breaks me the most. How it was taken away, and now I don't know what my purpose is. I have never prayed so hard in my life to my Heavenly Father for comfort…There is. CJ and I will be that mom and dad dancing together with our kids. We will be able to have our family… it is such a comfort to know that the promises we made in the temple will continue and we will have that chance. I love how in the scriptures is says "whatsoever is sealed on earth will be sealed in heaven.." That is a promise, and our Heavenly Father keeps his promises

 I have a lot of hard, down days… some days where I think I can't make it, some days (more like moments) I think I can.. and in one second I am a wreck. The only thing that is constant is that I LOVE HIM. I am so blessed to have him. I am so blessed to have amazing families. They have been with me every step of this journey, we are all in it together, and I am so grateful for the support they have given me. I truly don't know how people go through this would without family and the eternal perspective that the gospel gives us. Our friends have been there for me too. They come pick me up and take me out… even when I don't want to, but they want to get me out. They make me smile when I don't want to. CJ's friends have been checking in on me and taking me out too because they know CJ wouldn't want me to sit in bed all day… I am one of the boys now, and they have all just taken me under their arms. I can't describe how thankful I am for mine and CJ's family. I cannot express how much Love I have for them and for our friends… They have lifted me up. Even complete strangers have reached out to me and have been praying for me, those emails have gotten me through the day… I am so loved, and I feel it.

I am not trying to win the favorite aunt award, but my little Chunk, Brooklynn is a true little angel to me. She is so close to the spirt, and knows when "kewi" is having a hard time. She is CJ's little girlfriend and I know he tells her to give me extra love. I love all my nieces and nephews… SO MUCH. Chunk has just really been my little buddy. Sometimes when I bring her up to my room she will just say CJ and go give his picture a kiss. Then when we leave my room she says bye-bye CJ and blows him a kiss. I know she feels him close. That is why I love little kids because they are so more aware of the spirit, the veil is so much thinner, and I hold on to them and try to soak that in. Even bailey girl, I just see her sitting right in front of a picture of CJ, just looking at him. When I have been at my lowest, Brooklynn sat next to me and patted my back (she isn't even two years old) I think she just laid on me because that was the closest she could get to me, and wouldn't leave my side. ALL my family.. ALL my nieces and nephews, I love so much... CJ did too.

I have met amazing girls. Beautiful girls, who are in the same situation as I am, who have lost their husbands too. How their strength has really helped me. How I am not the only one… my heart breaks for all of us. I wish no one had to feel this pain, but it is so comforting to talk to them, they get it. People have been placed in my path, and I am so grateful for them. I know we meet people for a reason, and I have made some of the most amazing friends. Eternal friends that will continue. I know their husbands watch over us, and their husbands have helped my CJ too. They are with us… and will be until we come home to them.

I look back on this year… and with tears, I can say I did it, even when I didn't want to go on. I have loved my CJ 

every single second of every day… and I feel our love growing stronger each day. I am so grateful that I LOVE

 YOU were the last words we said to each other. I am so grateful I am married to my CJ for ETERNITY…I just

 wish this chapter of our love story didn't come so soon. We just barely started it. I wouldn't trade it for anything…

CJ is worth it. I really believe that we were made for each other. soul-mates. Even though our first chapter is short, 

it is filled to the brim, and it is the happiest chapter, and will be the happiest until I return to my CJ.