I love my CJ: Nine months

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Nine months

Nine months.

Nine months. 274 hardest and loneliest days without my best friend. I still cannot even believe this is real life. I am just waiting for CJ to walk though the door with his big smile. I am waiting for my heart to skip a beat when I see his face light up a room. For my heart to stop aching.. For us to be us again. Then it hits and it starts to register and I feel like the tears will never end. I never do want them to end. I want to feel it all.

The past nine months I've continued to read, write in my journal, go to the temple and get on my knees and pray. My family has taken care of me.. Without them, I would still be in bed. Crying all day long. Right now I am in Mexico, on a Book of MormonMormon I don't have a choice. I get up every day for him. I have moments, daily where the tears will pour and my heart feels so heavy. Traveling triggers a lot of emotions because CJ wanted to show me the world. My life just still feels still and very upside down. It's a constant mental battle to not think too much. .

Still, I don't understand why this could happen (i never think i will) but I am so comforted to know that we are sealed for ETERNITY. That doesn't make the hurt to away.. It's constant, but, it is that little speck of light that I see at the end of this long tunnel. The gospel is true. The temple sealing is a bond that cannot break.. He is waiting for me. CJ loves me and I know that with no doubt in my mind. I sat with Elder Holland and he told me that I am CJ's #1 priority and that he is with me always and loves more than I can understand. I am so lucky to know that he will always be my husband and I will always be his wife.. For eternity. I wish that could start sooner.

Yes, it is still a continual struggle daily to function, but I can see tiny baby steps that I have done. For one, I eat. I've gone to 4 weddings. Being a bridesmaid in two of them.. it was HARD, but at the same time I am so happy our friends finally get to see how amazing and wonderful marriage is. I miss it. I have learned to have empathy for those who mourn in the deepest way... A new love for those around me and for those who I haven't even met. I feel I am seeing people more how CJ did... And how my Heavenly Father and my savior does. I can really see what is important here.. The gospel, eternal families, and loving relationships. To not live in regret.. I know that my CJ lived his life to the fullest. How I need to keep that alive in me.. But, in baby steps.

I love my CJ. I love him so much. I love how much he loves me and how he showed me and told me daily. Nine months.. I can't even think about it with our getting overwhelmed with tears and sadness. My love for him has grown and it will always grow because it isn't the end. I Love this quote: "loving relationships continue beyond the doors of death and judgement. Family tie s endure because of dealings in the temple. Their importance cannot be overstated." - Elder Scott

Everything will be alright in the end.
So if it's not all right. It's not the end.
- unknown

It's not the end, and I am grateful for eternity with the man I love... (Easier said than done.. I want him here and now.. But in the end.. I will never leave his side AGAIN)

I am so grateful for all the prayers.. For the support and love that surrounds me. For the people who have been put in My paths.. And for new friendships. I know we meet some people for a reason.. And I know CJ is searing me there.

Sent from my iPhone

2 comments:

Brady and BrittanyNovember 14, 2012 at 9:19 AM
Very well said Ker...I know CJ is always with you too. It's so hard. I love you!
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The KingsFebruary 2, 2013 at 2:51 AM
Oh I can relate to this so much. Even though it's been a year since Aaron passed I still can't believe he's really gone. It feels like he will just walk in the door one day and things will be back to normal. I just wish that was true. I wish you had CJ with you on earth. Love to you xxx
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Our Story

On July 24, 2010 CJ and I were sealed together in the San Diego Temple for time and all eternity. The HAPPIEST day of our lives and the start of our new life together as the MR. and MRS. Rhineer. I can still remember it like it was yesterday.. Feeling so calm and excited to marry the man of my dreams, my CJ. On February 14, 2012 my CJ was hit by a car on the way to work and passed away.. It is the hardest trial of my life and I will always live with a HUGE hole in my heart for my other half, my CJ. I have missed laughing and loving life. I miss my best friend. Every memory I have with him we are laughing and joking around, we just had FUN.
CJ wanted to show me the world and all the things he loved. He showed me so much in our short time we had married together, but those trips will forever be the BEST days in my life; just the two of us together and so in LOVE. His love for life is what I loved so much about him, we were ALWAYS on the go. We played tennis 3-4 days a week “self taught, no lessons” and we were pretty good. CJ loved to golf, and I loved to ride in the cart with him. The day after we got married he went golfing and I LOVED it because I loved watching him do things he loved- that boy loved golf. Being with CJ was my favorite so it didn’t matter if I was in a golf cart for hours with him. He let me swing away with my one club, my driver, and just laugh trying to give me pointers. We loved riding our bikes to explore and find good places to eat. I would always follow behind him yelling and laughing the whole time for him to slow down for me, but he was just peddling away… so I had to always step on it to keep up. We always were laughing, CJ’s laugh was the best, and always in our own little world together.. as cheesy as it sounds… we couldn’t get enough of each other and we really LIVED for each other. We would always count down the hours till we were done with work and could finally play. I would count the minutes… and he would always laugh at his crazy wife.

CJ made me a better person. The love we had for each other, to me, was more than the rest! Every day he told me he loved me, and I am so grateful to know and feel that. Those were the last and the most meaningful words he said to me on Valentines day.. with the biggest smile on his face, and I felt so much love. I love him.

I know that he is watching me and loving me every hard step I am making. He said he would always have my back. I wish he were here with me.. I know he wants that too..But I know he is waiting anxiously for me to come home to him. I will do my best to make him proud. CJ made me Stronger and our love will continue to grow. I am the luckiest girl to always have my CJ. He is the most loving and wonderful man and I will never stop loving my Mr. WE will never stop loving each other. I am lucky to know that he will always be MY CJ.