365 days without you

Valentines day, a day we never liked, and we always said we loved each other every day; we didn't need a day to make it extra special Last valentines day I remember waking up to CJ giving me a kiss and saying " happy valentines day!". The night before we were just taking about how we would just hang out together at home, no big plans, and I told him all I needed was him and I was perfect. I thought about maybe cutting our sandwiches in a heart shape and surprise him, since I brought him lunch every day to work. I got up and went to the bathroom half asleep and as I was walking back to bed, with my eyes half open, CJ laid a good one one me and said "did you know I love you?' He was extra awake and spunky. I heard him get ready and watched him shave in the mirror of the bathroom. He was my handsome babe. He got ready and then out the door he went, just like any other day… but it was the last time I told my CJ I love him. Living only three block from work, CJ biked to work because he loved riding his bike and it was a sunny day. I wish I could go back and change it all… I have so many flash backs of this day.. and this horrible nightmare I wish I was dreaming.  It has been 365 days… the longest days of my life. The HARDEST days of my life. I want it to go away and I want US back. I love my CJ… more than words can describe.

One Year. It is unreal to me. How can he be gone? He still feels so alive in my heart….

I miss laughing with him, he always made me laugh. I miss the way he looked at me.. like I was the only person in the world to him. I loved it. When we would be in a group of people, and somehow, I would find him in the room and he would just be grinning at me, with "that grin" where I felt so much LOVE from him. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world to be loved by that cute guy across the room, that he was mine. I miss just him driving the car and holding his hand. I loved holding his hand, he had good looking hands. I am not just saying that because I love everything about him.. but he really had some great hands. He could have been a hand model. I miss the text saying "good morning lover butt" in the mornings when he knew I would just be waking up. I miss bringing him lunch, I loved waiting for him at our picnic table right outside his work… I would just wait until I saw that big smile walking out the doors. He would act all professional, until he got outside and would give me his crazy face and I would always get butterflies waiting for my handsome. I miss our "freakin weekends"! Every friday at about 4:55 I would get a text saying "its the freakin weekend" and how he wanted to take me on a cute date. We lived for the weekends because they were days we could be with each other EVERY SECOND! How on saturdays we slept hard!! I never used to sleep in late, but CJ taught me how to sleep in, and I loved it because I would wake up to my best friend. I loved how we could just lay there for hours together, not wanting to move, and being totally ok with it. I miss going to play tennis with my buddy, we were playing like 3-4 times a week…and I haven't even had the courage yet to play with our fancy rackets CJ bought us. My mind goes back to our last weekend together. How I spent every second with him doing our favorites together. I could go on for pages and pages of what I miss… I miss so much. What I miss most is that CJ took care of me, how I knew no matter what I did, he would laugh and tell me its ok.  How life used to be so happy and full… I knew what I wanted most.. to be a mom. How we would talk about how we would be that mom and dad dancing in the kitchen to our techno music… how we were going to be the cool parents. I miss seeing CJ light up with kids. How he loved talking about how he would be that dad that coached his boys after work, how he was going to be such a good dad. THIS is what breaks me the most. How it was taken away, and now I don't know what my purpose is. I have never prayed so hard in my life to my Heavenly Father for comfort…There is. CJ and I will be that mom and dad dancing together with our kids. We will be able to have our family… it is such a comfort to know that the promises we made in the temple will continue and we will have that chance. I love how in the scriptures is says "whatsoever is sealed on earth will be sealed in heaven.." That is a promise, and our Heavenly Father keeps his promises

 I have a lot of hard, down days… some days where I think I can't make it, some days (more like moments) I think I can.. and in one second I am a wreck. The only thing that is constant is that I LOVE HIM. I am so blessed to have him. I am so blessed to have amazing families. They have been with me every step of this journey, we are all in it together, and I am so grateful for the support they have given me. I truly don't know how people go through this would without family and the eternal perspective that the gospel gives us. Our friends have been there for me too. They come pick me up and take me out… even when I don't want to, but they want to get me out. They make me smile when I don't want to. CJ's friends have been checking in on me and taking me out too because they know CJ wouldn't want me to sit in bed all day… I am one of the boys now, and they have all just taken me under their arms. I can't describe how thankful I am for mine and CJ's family. I cannot express how much Love I have for them and for our friends… They have lifted me up. Even complete strangers have reached out to me and have been praying for me, those emails have gotten me through the day… I am so loved, and I feel it.

I am not trying to win the favorite aunt award, but my little Chunk, Brooklynn is a true little angel to me. She is so close to the spirt, and knows when "kewi" is having a hard time. She is CJ's little girlfriend and I know he tells her to give me extra love. I love all my nieces and nephews… SO MUCH. Chunk has just really been my little buddy. Sometimes when I bring her up to my room she will just say CJ and go give his picture a kiss. Then when we leave my room she says bye-bye CJ and blows him a kiss. I know she feels him close. That is why I love little kids because they are so more aware of the spirit, the veil is so much thinner, and I hold on to them and try to soak that in. Even bailey girl, I just see her sitting right in front of a picture of CJ, just looking at him. When I have been at my lowest, Brooklynn sat next to me and patted my back (she isn't even two years old) I think she just laid on me because that was the closest she could get to me, and wouldn't leave my side. ALL my family.. ALL my nieces and nephews, I love so much... CJ did too.

I have met amazing girls. Beautiful girls, who are in the same situation as I am, who have lost their husbands too. How their strength has really helped me. How I am not the only one… my heart breaks for all of us. I wish no one had to feel this pain, but it is so comforting to talk to them, they get it. People have been placed in my path, and I am so grateful for them. I know we meet people for a reason, and I have made some of the most amazing friends. Eternal friends that will continue. I know their husbands watch over us, and their husbands have helped my CJ too. They are with us… and will be until we come home to them.

I look back on this year… and with tears, I can say I did it, even when I didn't want to go on. I have loved my CJ 

every single second of every day… and I feel our love growing stronger each day. I am so grateful that I LOVE

 YOU were the last words we said to each other. I am so grateful I am married to my CJ for ETERNITY…I just

 wish this chapter of our love story didn't come so soon. We just barely started it. I wouldn't trade it for anything…

CJ is worth it. I really believe that we were made for each other. soul-mates. Even though our first chapter is short, 

it is filled to the brim, and it is the happiest chapter, and will be the happiest until I return to my CJ.