Cody McAllister

I read your most recent post and I felt the heart strings pull me in this direction. I will always remember the Legend in the England leeds mission known as elder Rhineer.

I remember a story!!!, I went on splits with him once as he was the Assistant to the President and I had found this REALLY REALLY OLD ANCIENT Golf club weeks before. Like I think it was made of wood or something. Well once he laid eyes on it I could swear he was in love and I didn't even know he played golf. I think he held it in his hands every minute we were in the flat. I gave to him because I knew he loved it about a million times more than I did. I remember sleeping well that night because he worked me harder than I had ever done my entire mission.

Happy Birthday to the one I LOVE!!

Today is CJ's birthday, the 18th.. the BIG 29. I feel sick to my stomach even saying that, he is so young. All I want to do is lay in bed all day.. and feel sorry about myself, but that would be opposite of who CJ is and what he would want me to do.. he was always on the go, and always the life of the party. So today, I am doing things for my CJ, even though every second I am crying inside. He had so much love and life in him, he rubbed off on everyone he came across. I miss that.

Last year, CJ and I were in Chicago. We woke up...  after we slept in- CJ's favorite. Then we had to hurry and make it to the breakfast... because it was getting close to lunch hours menus only (we slept pretty hard). We went to breakfast in the city, at this berry pancake place across the street, kiddy corner, from that bean thing, it was delish.. CJ always was down for a good meal, he loved his food.. Probably why we both put on "love" weight.. that is what we liked to call it, after we got married. We just walked around this city for a while before we had to get on our plane back to CA. CJ was telling me OUR game plan in life, and how he wanted to live in Chicago after he passed all of his CFA tests, so about a year, and then go to BOOTH to get his MBA. It was a school that was right behind the Fidelity Branch right downtown in the Chicago. He had it all mapped out on where we would live and how he would go to school right after work since it was so close. We went and got him a sweatshirt to motivate him.. he always wanted to learn and get better. He also talked about how we would move to Boston after that so that he could get his PHD. I loved how driven he was.. he always got what he wanted because he worked so hard. I loved watching him, I was his #1 fan and was ready for our adventure together. As soon as we came home, in CA, I got out his presents and made him smile.. because I liked to "capture moments". CJ used to fight it.. but by this point, he just embraced it and smiled for me. He turned 28.

The year before that.. CJ woke up early to go play basketball at our church, up across the street, with the guys from our ward. CJ always loved to play basketball.. I think partially because the guys in the ward thought he was an all star. I mean CJ was a stud, he did make 3 pointers for days, and he is so QUICK... he was good... I loved going to watch him play.. but these guys made him feel like he was walking on water. I laughed at him all the time. So while he was out playing.. I made a cute sign at work and strung it across out kitchen and went to get CJ's favorite Jonny Kolache's, this hole in the wall place in Salt Lake, while he was playing. I picked out all his favorites and thought I timed it perfectly for him to come home so they would still be HOT. False, he played like an hour longer... I was pacing for him to come home,  so excited for him to take a picture by my sign and surprise him with all his TREATS! Finally... he came home and we had our own little birthday party- he was surprised... "dats my BABE" I can hear him staying that to me with a huge smile and arms out, waiting for me to come in for the "real deal".  After, we headed down to Provo to hang out with his family.. CJ always loved being with his family and I loved that so much. A family man... always looking out for everyone. We all ate at his favorite mexican place El Azteca and he spent it with the people he loved most! (quoted from our blog- cj said no party... he just wanted to go to provo and hang out with his family. so that is what we did.. went to lunch with them...) For dinner we met his best friend Joe at the communal, in Provo, for their annual birthday dinner... even though we were not even that hungry.. it was the principle to go out to eat, so we ATE.. haha  He turned 27.

   

The birthday before that is the year I gave CJ is Boston Red Sox bowling ball. When we were dating we went to fat cats probably twice a week (a bowling place in Provo). We went enough times that we made friends with the workers and they knew us on a first name basis when we came in. So I decided I would step CJ's game up for him and get a custom bowling ball. Plus, what did I get a guy that had everything... being a poor college kid working at Macaroni Grill?? A BOWLING BALL- duh.  To top it off with the classy gift, I went streamer crazy in his room with balloons and his favorite treats. It was one I was proud of and put a happy birthday sign on his door! I thought I was a clever girlfriend. I think he even left the streamers up a couple days so I could appreciate my work. Totally unexpected.. he liked it. It was a game changer for sure. He turned 26.

I remember everything like it was YESTERDAY.. dating.. engaged.. married. It really is so unreal to me. Sometimes I just get so caught up with ONE MILLION thoughts in my head... I just have to stop and the bottom line, the ONE thing that makes sense is... I just LOVE him. I love him so much and it is really hard without him. I am so grateful that I can look back and all I really see is how happy we were together. The happiest. It is that love that will keep me going, even when I don't want to, and the light at the end of the tunnel. I know he loves me, he wouldn't go a day without telling me! I love you CJ!

Happy birthday to the one I love the MOST!! Cheers to my babe, 29!

Sister Krystal Middleton (Nydegger)

I spent a few minutes today digging through my box of mission picture in hopes of finding a few with your husband, but I came up with only two, both huge groups shots from zone conference that you probably also have a copy of. So then I spent a few minutes digging through my memory. After 8 years and two children, memories have sure faded, but my memories of Elder Rhineer are fond. I served in Leeds as an "office sister" when Elder Rhineer was AP, so I saw him fairly regularly. I was at first, somewhat intimidated by his status as AP and his all-business attitude. I felt I had to be on my best behavior when he was around. Of couse I quickly learned that my first impressions were not entirely correct. Upon getting to know him better I saw his fun-loving side. I remember joking around at the mission office regularly. I wish I had a more concrete memory to share with you. The quality that stands out most in my memory, is his kindness. He never spoke unkindly of anyone. 

It was fun to be in the mission office to see how it all worked, especially at transfer time. I had expressed to Elder Rhineer and Elder Chell that I had always wanted to serve in South Shields because it was only sister's area that included beaches. They teased me and told me it wasn't very likely. Of course the changes are directed by the spirit, and the mission pres, but I know the APs had a hand in it too... I remember seeing a mischievous grin on Elder Rhineer's face when I found out I would be finishing my mission in South Shields.

Nine months

Nine months.

Nine months.  274 hardest and loneliest days without my best friend. I still cannot even believe this is real life. I am just waiting for CJ to walk though the door with his big smile. I am waiting for my heart to skip a beat when I see his face light up a room.  For my heart to stop aching.. For us to be us again. Then it hits and it starts to register and I feel like the tears will never end. I never do want them to end. I want to feel it all.

The past nine months I've continued to read, write in my journal, go to the temple and get on my knees and pray. My family has taken care of me.. Without them, I would still be in bed. Crying all day long. Right now I am in Mexico, on a Book of MormonMormon I don't have a choice. I get up every day for him. I have moments, daily where the tears will pour and my heart feels so heavy. Traveling triggers a lot of emotions because CJ wanted to show me the world. My life just still feels still and very upside down. It's a constant mental battle to not think too much. . 

Still, I don't understand why this could happen (i never think i will) but I am so comforted to know that we are sealed for ETERNITY. That doesn't make the hurt to away.. It's constant, but, it is that little speck of light that I see at the end of this long tunnel. The gospel is true. The temple sealing is a bond that cannot break.. He is waiting for me. CJ loves me and I know that with no doubt in my mind. I sat with Elder Holland and he told me that I am CJ's #1 priority and that he is with me always and loves more than I can understand. I am so lucky to know that he will always be my husband and I will always be his wife.. For eternity. I wish that could start sooner.

Yes, it is still a continual struggle daily to function, but I can see tiny baby steps that I have done. For one, I eat. I've gone to 4 weddings. Being a bridesmaid in two of them.. it was HARD, but at the same time I am so happy our friends finally get to see how amazing and wonderful marriage is. I miss it. I have learned to have empathy for those who mourn in the deepest way... A new love for those around me and for those who I haven't even met. I feel I am seeing people more how CJ did... And how my Heavenly Father and my savior does. I can really see what is important here.. The gospel, eternal families,  and loving relationships. To not live in regret..  I know that my CJ lived his life to the fullest. How I need to keep that alive in me.. But, in baby steps.

I love my CJ. I love him so much. I love how much he loves me and how he showed me and told me daily.  Nine months.. I can't even think about it with our getting overwhelmed with tears and sadness. My love for him has grown and it will always grow because it isn't the end. I Love this quote: "loving relationships continue beyond the doors of death and judgement. Family tie s endure because of dealings in the temple. Their importance cannot be overstated." - Elder Scott

Everything will be alright in the end.
So if it's not all right. It's not the end.
- unknown

It's not the end, and I am grateful for eternity with the man I love... (Easier said than done.. I want him here and now.. But in the end.. I will never leave his side AGAIN)

I am so grateful for all the prayers.. For the support and love that surrounds me. For the people who have been put in My paths.. And for new friendships. I know we meet some people for a reason.. And I know CJ is searing me there.






Sent from my iPhone

Stoneground - Natalie Moore

The other night my little family ventured downtown to grab some grub. We ended up at Stoneground for the first time in a long time. As Gage amazed me with the mess he could make in such a short amount of time, and as Asher continued to drool puddles, I was quickly reminded of why I refuse to take the kids out to dinner with me. Suddenly, it occurred to me the last time I was here, things were oddly similar but ended very differently. You see, the last time we were here eating, you and I had spontaneously purchased groupons while at work just because we were hungry. Typical, I know. Excitedly, we grabbed our men and met up at stoneground for a night out and some pizza. Just as it was the other night, I had a drooling baby attached to my hip. Gage got impatient sitting in the high chair, and whined most of the night. CJ reassured me it wasn't a problem. When the mess and the cries persisted, I came closer and closer to giving up. Just then I noticed CJ sweetly begin to sneak Gage pieces of crust. My little guy ferociously ate every piece. After sharing for most of the night, CJ began to laugh, you know the one, the contagious laugh that makes you never want to stop. In between chuckles he called Gage "a beast" and told us how much he likes beasts. It turns out, over the course of the night CJ had fed Gage a whole pizza crust. I loved that about CJ, he could give any situation a reason to laugh about, even a beastly baby. "The most wasted of all days is that in which we have not laughed." ~Chamfort. I don't doubt that CJ went even a day without laughing. He laughed, he lived, he loved. I'm grateful I got to witness that. Missing you two.

My sister Tera

My sweet sister Keri

This email has been partially written for about 7 months now, and I
can't stop thinking about it, and my defining CJ moment. It has been
so nice to have you close by Ker, you always have a place here if you
want a break from home. I'm a selfish person, what can I say...

When I think of CJ, I can't help but smile, no matter how I may feel, no
matter how much I miss him, I have to smile. I have to smile because he
made you smile and that was the most important thing. I have never seen you
happier than when you were with your prince charming - CJ.

I always thought you two were equally crazy and so in love with each
other, I felt lucky to be a part of it all and witness such an amazing
relationship. You two knew how to live life to the fullest, you did
more together than most do in a lifetime together. I love you so much,
I love your CJ, I miss him and I miss you two.

Here is my CJ moment, this is the moment that KNEW that CJ was perfect
for you. At this time you were just dating and had been friends for a
long time now. It was when the entire family was in Utah for your
graduation. We all had a great day, come time to go celebrate your big
accomplishment, in typical Miller fashion, we had no idea of what we
wanted to go do, just that we wanted to go do something. How are we
all so indecisive????

As we were all hanging out at your place, getting ready, not knowing
what we were getting ready for, the stress of the moment hit you. With
the entire family looking to you for some answer, a meltdown was in
the making. You had a "Keri moment" (we love you and your moments,)
none of us knew what to do/say to help. We just wanted you to be happy
and have a good time on your big day, and here comes CJ...

CJ to rescue. He walked into your bedroom (where all of us were
crammed, which made it pretty tight in your baby room), saw you having
a moment and that we were not helping at all. He made sure he had your
attention, put his loving arms around you and in that moment, I saw
you melt into him. You suddenly were calm, CJ swooped you away, away
from all of us  and with your CJ by your side you  both came back and
plan was made.

We had such an amazing time at the Jazz game that night and CJ made
that happen. He was by your side until he had you completely calm and
happy. At the same time he made sure to make all of us feel important
and that we could get to know him.

Since this I have had so many special memories with you and CJ. My
other favorite moments are playing tennis. I know you two played hard,
a lot, and were real good. You come to California and want to play, so
of course I join. CJ made me feel like I am good at tennis, he would
hit right to me every time, setting me up perfectly, and sometimes I
would return it to him, and make him run across court. He would be so
patient, show me how to hold the racket and once again, make me feel
good. Then, I would watch the two of you play and realize how easy he
was playing for me.

You two were truly made for each other, complete soulmates, you loved
each other so hard. You two set the high standard for what a marriage
should look like, and how to love and not hold back. I miss CJ, I miss
his laugh, his dance moves and I miss seeing you glow when you are
with him.

Ker Mae, I love you so so much, I am lucky to be your sister, you are
an amazing example in so many ways, I need to be more like you.

Jeff Allen

Keri,

So on Wednesday I interviewed for the same job CJ did a year ago. Your instagram picture brought this to Heidi and my attention. Kind of a crazy coincidence. And today I heard that I will start in that new position. All the while I recognize the impact that CJ has had on this journey and my life in general. I am so grateful for not only CJ prompting me to apply to Fidelity but the relationship we developed through our career ambitions. He wasn't a childhood friend or even a college buddy, but he has played a very important role in my success over the last two years. He was a guy that I truly looked up to. He was a guy that I went to when I had questions. He was always positive and had something to tell me that gave me confidence about where I was headed. He always wanted to help and I always admired that about him. I remember one messaging conversation that we had about a year ago where he was talking about your trip to Chicago and being back east around the holidays and how important and fun that was for you. He always talked highly of your relationship and wasn't afraid to tell me that he loved you and had a great time doing the holiday season stuff back east. Anyways I just want to let you know that I continually think about you. I have no idea what it must be like day in and day out for you, but I do know that you have a lot to be proud of having been married to CJ. Heidi and I pray and think of you daily. Thank you for being such good friends to Heidi. She loves you. Even after CJ is gone, his memory and my past interactions with him pushes me to be a better and highly driven person. Like he was. We are here for you. Please come visit soon. Love your husband. Love you Keri.