Happy Birthday to the one I LOVE!!

Today is CJ's birthday, the 18th.. the BIG 29. I feel sick to my stomach even saying that, he is so young. All I want to do is lay in bed all day.. and feel sorry about myself, but that would be opposite of who CJ is and what he would want me to do.. he was always on the go, and always the life of the party. So today, I am doing things for my CJ, even though every second I am crying inside. He had so much love and life in him, he rubbed off on everyone he came across. I miss that.

Last year, CJ and I were in Chicago. We woke up...  after we slept in- CJ's favorite. Then we had to hurry and make it to the breakfast... because it was getting close to lunch hours menus only (we slept pretty hard). We went to breakfast in the city, at this berry pancake place across the street, kiddy corner, from that bean thing, it was delish.. CJ always was down for a good meal, he loved his food.. Probably why we both put on "love" weight.. that is what we liked to call it, after we got married. We just walked around this city for a while before we had to get on our plane back to CA. CJ was telling me OUR game plan in life, and how he wanted to live in Chicago after he passed all of his CFA tests, so about a year, and then go to BOOTH to get his MBA. It was a school that was right behind the Fidelity Branch right downtown in the Chicago. He had it all mapped out on where we would live and how he would go to school right after work since it was so close. We went and got him a sweatshirt to motivate him.. he always wanted to learn and get better. He also talked about how we would move to Boston after that so that he could get his PHD. I loved how driven he was.. he always got what he wanted because he worked so hard. I loved watching him, I was his #1 fan and was ready for our adventure together. As soon as we came home, in CA, I got out his presents and made him smile.. because I liked to "capture moments". CJ used to fight it.. but by this point, he just embraced it and smiled for me. He turned 28.

The year before that.. CJ woke up early to go play basketball at our church, up across the street, with the guys from our ward. CJ always loved to play basketball.. I think partially because the guys in the ward thought he was an all star. I mean CJ was a stud, he did make 3 pointers for days, and he is so QUICK... he was good... I loved going to watch him play.. but these guys made him feel like he was walking on water. I laughed at him all the time. So while he was out playing.. I made a cute sign at work and strung it across out kitchen and went to get CJ's favorite Jonny Kolache's, this hole in the wall place in Salt Lake, while he was playing. I picked out all his favorites and thought I timed it perfectly for him to come home so they would still be HOT. False, he played like an hour longer... I was pacing for him to come home,  so excited for him to take a picture by my sign and surprise him with all his TREATS! Finally... he came home and we had our own little birthday party- he was surprised... "dats my BABE" I can hear him staying that to me with a huge smile and arms out, waiting for me to come in for the "real deal".  After, we headed down to Provo to hang out with his family.. CJ always loved being with his family and I loved that so much. A family man... always looking out for everyone. We all ate at his favorite mexican place El Azteca and he spent it with the people he loved most! (quoted from our blog- cj said no party... he just wanted to go to provo and hang out with his family. so that is what we did.. went to lunch with them...) For dinner we met his best friend Joe at the communal, in Provo, for their annual birthday dinner... even though we were not even that hungry.. it was the principle to go out to eat, so we ATE.. haha  He turned 27.

   

The birthday before that is the year I gave CJ is Boston Red Sox bowling ball. When we were dating we went to fat cats probably twice a week (a bowling place in Provo). We went enough times that we made friends with the workers and they knew us on a first name basis when we came in. So I decided I would step CJ's game up for him and get a custom bowling ball. Plus, what did I get a guy that had everything... being a poor college kid working at Macaroni Grill?? A BOWLING BALL- duh.  To top it off with the classy gift, I went streamer crazy in his room with balloons and his favorite treats. It was one I was proud of and put a happy birthday sign on his door! I thought I was a clever girlfriend. I think he even left the streamers up a couple days so I could appreciate my work. Totally unexpected.. he liked it. It was a game changer for sure. He turned 26.

I remember everything like it was YESTERDAY.. dating.. engaged.. married. It really is so unreal to me. Sometimes I just get so caught up with ONE MILLION thoughts in my head... I just have to stop and the bottom line, the ONE thing that makes sense is... I just LOVE him. I love him so much and it is really hard without him. I am so grateful that I can look back and all I really see is how happy we were together. The happiest. It is that love that will keep me going, even when I don't want to, and the light at the end of the tunnel. I know he loves me, he wouldn't go a day without telling me! I love you CJ!

Happy birthday to the one I love the MOST!! Cheers to my babe, 29!

Sister Krystal Middleton (Nydegger)

I spent a few minutes today digging through my box of mission picture in hopes of finding a few with your husband, but I came up with only two, both huge groups shots from zone conference that you probably also have a copy of. So then I spent a few minutes digging through my memory. After 8 years and two children, memories have sure faded, but my memories of Elder Rhineer are fond. I served in Leeds as an "office sister" when Elder Rhineer was AP, so I saw him fairly regularly. I was at first, somewhat intimidated by his status as AP and his all-business attitude. I felt I had to be on my best behavior when he was around. Of couse I quickly learned that my first impressions were not entirely correct. Upon getting to know him better I saw his fun-loving side. I remember joking around at the mission office regularly. I wish I had a more concrete memory to share with you. The quality that stands out most in my memory, is his kindness. He never spoke unkindly of anyone. 

It was fun to be in the mission office to see how it all worked, especially at transfer time. I had expressed to Elder Rhineer and Elder Chell that I had always wanted to serve in South Shields because it was only sister's area that included beaches. They teased me and told me it wasn't very likely. Of course the changes are directed by the spirit, and the mission pres, but I know the APs had a hand in it too... I remember seeing a mischievous grin on Elder Rhineer's face when I found out I would be finishing my mission in South Shields.

Nine months

Nine months.

Nine months.  274 hardest and loneliest days without my best friend. I still cannot even believe this is real life. I am just waiting for CJ to walk though the door with his big smile. I am waiting for my heart to skip a beat when I see his face light up a room.  For my heart to stop aching.. For us to be us again. Then it hits and it starts to register and I feel like the tears will never end. I never do want them to end. I want to feel it all.

The past nine months I've continued to read, write in my journal, go to the temple and get on my knees and pray. My family has taken care of me.. Without them, I would still be in bed. Crying all day long. Right now I am in Mexico, on a Book of MormonMormon I don't have a choice. I get up every day for him. I have moments, daily where the tears will pour and my heart feels so heavy. Traveling triggers a lot of emotions because CJ wanted to show me the world. My life just still feels still and very upside down. It's a constant mental battle to not think too much. . 

Still, I don't understand why this could happen (i never think i will) but I am so comforted to know that we are sealed for ETERNITY. That doesn't make the hurt to away.. It's constant, but, it is that little speck of light that I see at the end of this long tunnel. The gospel is true. The temple sealing is a bond that cannot break.. He is waiting for me. CJ loves me and I know that with no doubt in my mind. I sat with Elder Holland and he told me that I am CJ's #1 priority and that he is with me always and loves more than I can understand. I am so lucky to know that he will always be my husband and I will always be his wife.. For eternity. I wish that could start sooner.

Yes, it is still a continual struggle daily to function, but I can see tiny baby steps that I have done. For one, I eat. I've gone to 4 weddings. Being a bridesmaid in two of them.. it was HARD, but at the same time I am so happy our friends finally get to see how amazing and wonderful marriage is. I miss it. I have learned to have empathy for those who mourn in the deepest way... A new love for those around me and for those who I haven't even met. I feel I am seeing people more how CJ did... And how my Heavenly Father and my savior does. I can really see what is important here.. The gospel, eternal families,  and loving relationships. To not live in regret..  I know that my CJ lived his life to the fullest. How I need to keep that alive in me.. But, in baby steps.

I love my CJ. I love him so much. I love how much he loves me and how he showed me and told me daily.  Nine months.. I can't even think about it with our getting overwhelmed with tears and sadness. My love for him has grown and it will always grow because it isn't the end. I Love this quote: "loving relationships continue beyond the doors of death and judgement. Family tie s endure because of dealings in the temple. Their importance cannot be overstated." - Elder Scott

Everything will be alright in the end.
So if it's not all right. It's not the end.
- unknown

It's not the end, and I am grateful for eternity with the man I love... (Easier said than done.. I want him here and now.. But in the end.. I will never leave his side AGAIN)

I am so grateful for all the prayers.. For the support and love that surrounds me. For the people who have been put in My paths.. And for new friendships. I know we meet some people for a reason.. And I know CJ is searing me there.






Sent from my iPhone

Stoneground - Natalie Moore

The other night my little family ventured downtown to grab some grub. We ended up at Stoneground for the first time in a long time. As Gage amazed me with the mess he could make in such a short amount of time, and as Asher continued to drool puddles, I was quickly reminded of why I refuse to take the kids out to dinner with me. Suddenly, it occurred to me the last time I was here, things were oddly similar but ended very differently. You see, the last time we were here eating, you and I had spontaneously purchased groupons while at work just because we were hungry. Typical, I know. Excitedly, we grabbed our men and met up at stoneground for a night out and some pizza. Just as it was the other night, I had a drooling baby attached to my hip. Gage got impatient sitting in the high chair, and whined most of the night. CJ reassured me it wasn't a problem. When the mess and the cries persisted, I came closer and closer to giving up. Just then I noticed CJ sweetly begin to sneak Gage pieces of crust. My little guy ferociously ate every piece. After sharing for most of the night, CJ began to laugh, you know the one, the contagious laugh that makes you never want to stop. In between chuckles he called Gage "a beast" and told us how much he likes beasts. It turns out, over the course of the night CJ had fed Gage a whole pizza crust. I loved that about CJ, he could give any situation a reason to laugh about, even a beastly baby. "The most wasted of all days is that in which we have not laughed." ~Chamfort. I don't doubt that CJ went even a day without laughing. He laughed, he lived, he loved. I'm grateful I got to witness that. Missing you two.

My sister Tera

My sweet sister Keri

This email has been partially written for about 7 months now, and I
can't stop thinking about it, and my defining CJ moment. It has been
so nice to have you close by Ker, you always have a place here if you
want a break from home. I'm a selfish person, what can I say...

When I think of CJ, I can't help but smile, no matter how I may feel, no
matter how much I miss him, I have to smile. I have to smile because he
made you smile and that was the most important thing. I have never seen you
happier than when you were with your prince charming - CJ.

I always thought you two were equally crazy and so in love with each
other, I felt lucky to be a part of it all and witness such an amazing
relationship. You two knew how to live life to the fullest, you did
more together than most do in a lifetime together. I love you so much,
I love your CJ, I miss him and I miss you two.

Here is my CJ moment, this is the moment that KNEW that CJ was perfect
for you. At this time you were just dating and had been friends for a
long time now. It was when the entire family was in Utah for your
graduation. We all had a great day, come time to go celebrate your big
accomplishment, in typical Miller fashion, we had no idea of what we
wanted to go do, just that we wanted to go do something. How are we
all so indecisive????

As we were all hanging out at your place, getting ready, not knowing
what we were getting ready for, the stress of the moment hit you. With
the entire family looking to you for some answer, a meltdown was in
the making. You had a "Keri moment" (we love you and your moments,)
none of us knew what to do/say to help. We just wanted you to be happy
and have a good time on your big day, and here comes CJ...

CJ to rescue. He walked into your bedroom (where all of us were
crammed, which made it pretty tight in your baby room), saw you having
a moment and that we were not helping at all. He made sure he had your
attention, put his loving arms around you and in that moment, I saw
you melt into him. You suddenly were calm, CJ swooped you away, away
from all of us  and with your CJ by your side you  both came back and
plan was made.

We had such an amazing time at the Jazz game that night and CJ made
that happen. He was by your side until he had you completely calm and
happy. At the same time he made sure to make all of us feel important
and that we could get to know him.

Since this I have had so many special memories with you and CJ. My
other favorite moments are playing tennis. I know you two played hard,
a lot, and were real good. You come to California and want to play, so
of course I join. CJ made me feel like I am good at tennis, he would
hit right to me every time, setting me up perfectly, and sometimes I
would return it to him, and make him run across court. He would be so
patient, show me how to hold the racket and once again, make me feel
good. Then, I would watch the two of you play and realize how easy he
was playing for me.

You two were truly made for each other, complete soulmates, you loved
each other so hard. You two set the high standard for what a marriage
should look like, and how to love and not hold back. I miss CJ, I miss
his laugh, his dance moves and I miss seeing you glow when you are
with him.

Ker Mae, I love you so so much, I am lucky to be your sister, you are
an amazing example in so many ways, I need to be more like you.

Jeff Allen

Keri,

So on Wednesday I interviewed for the same job CJ did a year ago. Your instagram picture brought this to Heidi and my attention. Kind of a crazy coincidence. And today I heard that I will start in that new position. All the while I recognize the impact that CJ has had on this journey and my life in general. I am so grateful for not only CJ prompting me to apply to Fidelity but the relationship we developed through our career ambitions. He wasn't a childhood friend or even a college buddy, but he has played a very important role in my success over the last two years. He was a guy that I truly looked up to. He was a guy that I went to when I had questions. He was always positive and had something to tell me that gave me confidence about where I was headed. He always wanted to help and I always admired that about him. I remember one messaging conversation that we had about a year ago where he was talking about your trip to Chicago and being back east around the holidays and how important and fun that was for you. He always talked highly of your relationship and wasn't afraid to tell me that he loved you and had a great time doing the holiday season stuff back east. Anyways I just want to let you know that I continually think about you. I have no idea what it must be like day in and day out for you, but I do know that you have a lot to be proud of having been married to CJ. Heidi and I pray and think of you daily. Thank you for being such good friends to Heidi. She loves you. Even after CJ is gone, his memory and my past interactions with him pushes me to be a better and highly driven person. Like he was. We are here for you. Please come visit soon. Love your husband. Love you Keri.

A funny story from Kaci

Tonight's story is inspired by our late night trip to Walmart:

I had completely forgotten about this fun memory until we walked by the vat of awesome DVDs at Walmart.  This night had to have been around Thanksgiving week when we were all together.  We had so many late, late nights with all sorts of fun activities.  One night we all decided that we had to go to Walmart to buy something urgent.  I remember I wanted to buy mom a crochet needle--what?!  We wandered through the aisles looking for the something we just couldn't live without.  I believe we were on our way to another family night of volleyball, so we did have some sort of deadline.  We finally made our way back up to the front of the store.  While somebody was buying their purchases, CJ started looking through the giant vat of DVDs.  It was filled with lots of old, old Christmas movies and tons of other random, cheap flicks.  He was having fun, so we all decided to join him on his search.  He decided that we should make it a game!  Everyone had to plunge their hand into the vat of DVDs without looking and pull out one DVD that we thought would be the best.  To most people that game would sound so lame, but not to us!  We love lame, funny games!!  I remember that CJ "won" once with some collection of like 7 old western films.  He won because we decided that it was the best deal in that draw.   We were on our 4th or 5th turn when the game suddenly came to a halt.  We kept digging our hands in deeper and deeper hoping to come up with a true gem.  As CJ and I plunged our hands into the movies on that final round, we both felt something squishy and slightly warm at the bottom of the bin.  We both immediately pulled our hands out of the movies and were totally grossed out!   We couldn't stop laughing or guessing what disgusting item we had touched down in that Walmart bin of movies.  It's a silly memory, but I hadn't thought about it until tonight :)

I love CJ because he fit right in with all of our craziness!  All of my memories of him play in my mind to the soundtrack of laughter.  I feel like all we did was play, laugh, and have fun--nothing but love!

I had to write this one down before I forgot it again.  I'm just going to write them down as they come.

Toni- My Sister

Every time I sit down to write a memory of CJ I stop….I have so many memories. All surrounded with family, fun, competition, food, and most importantly his love for his crazy wife Keri. While all these memories are great, I am saddened that I do not have more memories to share. I feel blessed to have Keri and CJ live so close to us for a short amount of time. Aaron and I would always talk about how cool it was that we actually had friends…my sister and CJ living so close. We actually had someone to double date with, cook Sunday dinners with, run with, do nothing with, and plan vacations with. I still believe that we will get to do all the things we planned with you two crazies. I keep reading the quote by Samuel Smiles that says "Hope is like the sun, which, as we journey towards, casts a shadow of our burden behind us... Hope sweetens the memory of experiences well loved, It tempers our troubles to our growth and our strength. It lends promise to the future and purpose to the past. It turns discouragement to determination." I have hope.

So, my memories…I know every time I have a 3 course meal (too often), I imagine CJ saying “atta girl” or “dunch.” Every time I eat a bag of chips or eat at the del or that place we shall not name I hear CJ just laughing or saying the all too common phrase “naughty naughty.” Every time I play Mario cart I am thankful because without CJ Aaron and I would have never leveled up so fast. One time we went to a BYU vs. UCI volleyball game and you went inside to pick up a pizza after the game. I was in the car with CJ talking and he saw you running with a pizza through the street. He stopped the conversation we were having and started laughing saying “that’s my baby with the pizza” and “look at my wife, she’s nuts.” He said the same things while he was watching Keri perform a solo dance off at our house… “that’s my babe.” So many small things remind me of CJ. We always had the best of times together!

I truly believe that I knew you were going to get married from the moment I spoke to CJ. It was not in person, but on the phone. You wanted me to talk to him and make sure he was not getting you anything “too big” for your b-day. Because, technically, you were just starting to “like each other a lot” and gifts were just beginning. He called me and said he wanted to share some ideas he had for your birthday presents. I was totally on board… A few minutes later I had my computer in front of me and I was looking at 3 different Electric bike models. He was not sure which one or color you would like. I looked at them, and gave him my reviews. I chose a black one with a brown seat...I loved it when about 30 minutes later I get a call from CJ telling me he went with the teal bike. He said something about Keri needing a bright color to match her crazy personality. He was right on, because you loved your bike! And I could tell from that phone call that he was just so excited to make you one happy girl.

It was shortly after this phone conversation that I realized CJ and I had the same birthday. Well, I actually think Keri made him a facebook profile. She believed in having open communication and love via all forms of technology.  A common topic of discussion was when and what we were going to do for our next birthday party. We always had a “party” planned. Something big! I missed out this year because he left for Chicago on his B-day. But, I am so happy that Keri got to spend those times with him in the big windy city.

Gifts…oh the gifts…. Your first Christmas together still makes me laugh. We were at the parent’s house and I was super annoying CJ about what he was going to get you for Christmas. He refused. Just like he refused to tell us the honeymoon spot. I was persistent. He just really didn’t think us Miller girls could keep a secret… Finally, when Keri was in the other room one night he took me into the computer room. He sat on the love sack and I sat on the computer chair as he began to list all the things he got you. It was not the things that impressed me the most during this conversation (but they were impressive), it was the smile from ear to ear he had as he told me he wanted to keep on getting things. The laugh he had when he said he was over budget. And the ideas he had about “if you want it, get it.” We laughed so hard as he told me about the $100.00 to i-tunes gift. We both knew that it was for him, but he mentioned needing to make his wife have good beats. You both went over budget on that Christmas. I just loved it though. Any time we were shopping both of you just found more and more things you wanted to give each other, because why not? Material things are not my favorite part of this memory…it was just the funny crazy love you two had for each other.

Most of my memories are about CJ’s generosity. And I am sorry I am writing such long thoughts, but I just want to share every detail. The memory that will always be my favorite is our Vegas trip together… We had SO MUCH fun together on this trip. Keri just got her tonsils taken out so she was a trooper, and CJ had not seen Keri in a while so he was pumped to be on a vacay with his lady. I was responsible for buying the tickets to the Circ De Sole show Elvis.  I got them a month in advance and spent a pretty penny on them. We got all dressed up to go to the show, took pics., laughed all the way to the front of the line when we learned the now funny, almost embarrassing moment of the trip. I had bought tickets on the WRONG DATE. Not just a day or two off, but an entire week. There was NOTHING they could do about it. I spent hours on the phone and just thought that I ruined the entire trip and wasted everyone’s money…I was devastated. As we all got into a taxi to go back to the room, CJ kept trying to pump me up. He was so worried about me crying, so I tried to play it off like I was OK and wanted to have fun. Later in the evening, before we had our sneaky dinner and CJ won big gambling, we went shopping. While we were shopping and hanging out CJ, Keri, and Aaron planned a surprise for me. Aaron took me on a decoy to get a watch for graduating and Keri and CJ left to go get something. They returned with nothing…The next night we all ate the most delicious meal ever. CJ, or course gave his card the waiter before the meal even began and paid for all of us. They then wanted to go take pictures by the Elvis to “pretend” we went to the show. I really did not want to go over to where the show was playing. I was super embarrassed. They were very persistent and wanted to take pictures, so I went along with it. We took sad face pictures next to the Elvis statue, posed, tried to laugh about it (too soon), and then CJ told me to come to the entrance to have a peek in the door. I thought to myself “why would I want to do that, CJ that’s not very nice.” When I walked over there with CJ, Keri and Aaron following behind, CJ pulled out 4 tickets to the show and said “lets go in and watch the show! With the biggest smile on his face!). I was shocked…and tears came to my eyes knowing that this is the guy my sister is marrying. I was so happy! The show…well it was not the best, but I loved that CJ went behind my back to surprise me. He always believed in having a good time. He let nothing spoil the fun. This story still is a little embarrassing for me, but it is one of those moments I knew CJ’s true character.

I can write on and on about the great qualities CJ had. All the funny moments we shared together. Whether it is the time you babysat my shorty to times we spent at each other’s houses making pazookies. I love you both so much, and I know that CJ lived life to the fullest. I am thankful that families are together forever, and that we will have the opportunity to play volleyball and laugh again one day.  More importantly, I am thankful for witnessing such a powerful and contagious love you and CJ had for each other. You two were slightly crazy, and I loved it. Instead of dwelling on the sad, I find myself smiling at such an awesome eternal companion you chose Keri Mae. Smiling, because I know that is what CJ would want.

Love you and miss you CJ,

Toni

Six Months

Today, the 14th, a Tuesday, it has been Six months. Six months I have had this pit in my stomach and broken heart, missing my CJ ever SECOND or EVERY DAY.  The life that I had with CJ was so happy and so, and it changed so fast. It has been the longest  and slowest couple months.. But it also seems like yesterday we were lying in bed watching Downton Abbey.  I still go to my phone to call him when something happens and I want to tell him first… and then my heart drops every time, it HURTS. I have really low days… and I thought that I would feel that low every day the rest of my life… I could.. but I have felt so much love and I have so much love for CJ that I get up.. and I keep trying. I know that there is hope… and I know that CJ would want me to get up and go; To try and keep my head up. I know he hurts seeing me so sad, but I also know his heart hurts too but I know he is watching me and always will. One thing that I KNOW and I am so grateful for is being sealed to CJ in the temple. Being sealed for TIME AND ALL ETERNITY, there is more to this earthly life, and I will ALWAYS be his wife and he will ALWAYS be my husband. Over the last couple months I have had a lot of time to think, to cry, to pray, go to the temple, and read. I have been trying to find peace and comfort in this nightmare.  Sleeping is hard… and waking up is even harder, I just want him to be next to me.

When I am sad… the only thing that gets me out is when I think and I feel the love that we have for each other. It is a bitter sweet… The way CJ made me feel and the way he loved me will never be replaced.  The memories I have with him I write in a journal. I write a lot in my journal, it is the only way I can get it all out of my head.  But my memory journal is my happier writing… every memory I can see CJ’s big smile and I can hear his laugh and I can FEEL the love we have… things I miss the most. I miss laughing and being truly happy… CJ is my happy. CJ and I did more in 18th months than some couples do in their lifetime… and I am so grateful for our trips and for our time together. Our pre- honeymoon to Cancun. I still laugh that we went away for a week to cancun before we were even engaged… we were just dating.  Later in life a couple of our friends actually went on their honeymoon and stayed where we stayed. Our trips to Vegas. Our real honeymoon to Turks and Caicos, it was so beautiful and amazing. CJ knew how to plan trips.. and he loved showing me the “real” way to travel. Our latest two and a half week adventure to the east coast was the BEST time in my life. We went to Washington DC, Boston, and New York with a road trip over to Canada to Niagara Falls. We were with each other 24/7 and wanted more if it were possible. CJ and I lived for each other and would count down the hours till we were off work.. and the daily count down for the weekend was voiced on Monday… We lived for the “freaking weekend” just to be together ALL DAY. I know that sounds cheesy… but it is the truth, we did.

I cant even explain the love that I have for CJ in words and I also cant even explain the pain I feel and hurt without him here. One thing through all of this… things are EASIER SAID THAN DONE… I know we are sealed.. but it is so hard when I feel like this. Patience… blah!  Time heals… blah! The truth is that… they are all the true and I just need to pray for strength. I have never prayed so hard or studied the scriptures more in my life… the comfort and peace that I feel is undeniable. When I go to the temple on Tuesdays, it is so hard, but I do feel peace and I know that it will get eaiser.

CJ made me a better person. He taught me how to live life. His love for life radiated. But his true glow was his love for the gospel and His love for his Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ. His testimony  and strength he had was what I loved most. He always said if he could be a missionary the rest of his life, he would. There is no doubt in my mind that is what he is doing now… doing what he loved most, being a missionary. I remember when we were friends… back in 2007, we had a class together. We were taking our final together at my apartment… and the next thing I know I am over the toilet throwing up and CJ had to finish taking my final. I got a better score thanks to him. Right after the final I remember CJ giving me a blessing… and I felt his love and strength so much, the spirit testified that to me. I wrote in my jounal CJ is the man I want to marry. He honored his priesthood, he was worthy to give me a blessing, and continued to throughout our marriage too. My testimony and relationship I have with my Heavenly Father  has grown so strong. I pour my heart out in prayer and I know that he knows my broken heart and will help me every step of the way… until the day I go home to my CJ. We will get our happily ever after… some day.  That is the hope that I have. CJ is at the end of my road… and I am going to do everything in my power to be worthy to go home to him. I don’t know how… but I know I will.

I am so very grateful for CJ for taking care of me. For working so hard for our family we were planning on having. We will have our family… some day! Once again.. easier said than done.. it is hard to wrap my head around everything.. but we will and I am so grateful for that. CJ was so good with kids. I loved watching him play with all of our nieces and nephews…  it melted my heart seeing how much they love him…and how they always wanted to play with CJ.

I do know that my life will never be the same without CJ. I know that I want to make him proud… doing what??? I am still working on that. I don’t know. I know that if I am left here on earth without him I want to be able to help others… the way other widows have helped me. Their strength is amazing and gives me hope. I want to be that for someone too. I want to keep doing things that CJ and I loved… I haven’t yet… but one day I will. I have to live my life how CJ would want me to.  I am going to try and golf… something he loved!! I am one day going to play tennis… and I am going to win for him! (maybe I will join a league… one day) I am going try to be a better person every day. I am going to share my testimony with complete strangers… like CJ did… but I am going to do that one for me. I am going to travel… I am going to travel the “real” way. I am going to go see the things CJ wanted to show me… and I know he will be with me. Once again… this is all eaiser said than done.  I am here… I have to CHOOSE to have faith and CHOOSE to keep going. I am going to start my bucket list… and I am going to do the best I can.

Without the gospel, family, and friends… I wouldn’t be where I am today. I have the best support. I feel so much love. I have two amazing families… and I am so happy that families can be together forever… but we all have to work hard to get there. My friends… who are also my family… have been with me every step of the way too. Strangers have reached out to me… widows have given me the strength I need. I know that people are put in our paths for a reason here in this life… and I am so grateful for that. There will never be enough good to outweigh the loss of my CJ, of our CJ. He was and is the most amazing husband, son, brother, uncle, and friend anyone could ask for… and we will see him again. That is what I love most… We WILL! It will be the best reunion… I get anxious… but I know that if I try my best, I will receive help from people around me, from my CJ, and my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ. I never thought I would be where I am now… six months ago.

Our life.. our blog is our story… but just a scratch of the surface. I want people to know I LOVE CJ. I want to shout it from the roof… I want everyone to know what a wonderful man he was… and still is. To those who know CJ… who met or haven’t met CJ… I hope that our love can rub off… and that you can know we were the happiest!! Life is so very fragile… I have never felt this pain… I never knew how it felt to lose someone you love… my heart breaks for everyone who has or that is going through this trial in life… and I never truly felt that before. Make sure you tell the ones you love that you love them… every morning and every night… I am so thankful for those words… I LOVE YOU.

Jeff Rhineer- CJ's Life Sketch

Christian James Rhineer, CJ passed away February 14^th, 2012 in Irvine, California.

            He was born in Provo, Utah on December 18^th, 1983 to John and Jean Rhineer.  He went to school at Granview Elementery, Dixion Junior High, and Provo High School where he was an All-State golfer.

            He served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in Leeds, England.  We all knew he was a great missionary, but we didn’t truly understand how many lives he touch until after his death, when his Facebook page was flooded by those he met while serving the Lord.  My mom and I were extremely touched when he read those comments while we sat by his side at the hospital.

            He is proceeded in death by his father, John.

            He is survived by his mother, Jean.  They had an incredible relationship, but it was one that was sometimes hard to understand.  They shared unconditional love, but at times they bickered like an old married couple.  You could come home and find them in a warm embrace, or you could find him standing outside the kitchen closet with a scared look on his face after locking her inside after a disagreement.

            He is survived by 5 brothers and 1 sister.  David. Greg and his wife Julie.  Gina and her husband Mike Van Buren.  Jeff and my wife Melanie.  Matt and his wife Stacey.  And Nick and his wife Lori.  As well as 17 nieces and nephews.  Jamie, Seth, Jack, Nate, Tyson, Lily, Abbie, Grace, Mia, Maximus, Talia, Katie, Lizzy, Will, Matthew, Milo, and Stella who arrived this past week.

            He is survived by his wife, Keri.  He fell madly in love with her, and charished the time they spent together.

            He also loved the Miller family.  When I first asked him about Keri’s family, he light up and said, “They love me, they’re golfers!”

            He was beloved by Terry and Kathy Miller.  Kyle and his wife Samantha.  Kaci and husband Brian Bronson.  Tera.  Toni her husband Aaron Thomas.  And Ty.  Along with 4 nieces and 1 nephew.  Kate, Owen, Joshlyn, Baily, and Brooklynn.

            CJ worked extremely hard to graduate from the University of Utah while he worked at Fidelity Investments in Salt Lake City.  He worked there for a number of years, getting jobs for many of his friends and a brother along the way.  He was surprised by how many going-away lunches he had before he left.  He said “I didn’t even know if they liked me.”  After talking to his co-workers yesterday, it’s clear he was not only liked, but loved. 

He moved to Irvine, California at the end of last year after his boss told the manager in Irvine he would be idiot not to hire CJ.  He thrived at his job.  His intellegence and people skills helped him become very successful.

            He worked hard and played hard.  His career was a means to do amazing things with Kari.  And it was their relationship that inspired his colleagues in Irvine.  Kari brought him lunch just about every day, and they ate together at a picnic table outside his office building.  His loving gestures to his wife inspired one of his co-workers to say CJ made him want to be a better husband.

            Christian James Rhineer.  Little Brother.  Obedient son.  Loving Husband.  Caring uncle.  Loyal friend.  Trusted companion.  A man of integrity.  A man of honor.  A man of faith.  A man of God.

Megan Gill

Keri,

 I thought of another small memory that makes me smile everytime I think about it. 
One day the girls at work and me were talking about our husbands and Christian being my pod mate got roped into the conversation. We were discussing whether or not if we had top sheets on our beds because of our husbands no being able to keep them in place. Christian was giving us the husbands view point and said he hates them with a passion. He said "feet don't go horizontal so why do you want a sheet splitting your feet sideways." Then he continued to tell us anytime he got in a bed with a top sheet he would kick his legs wildly to untuck the sheets. So now anytime I get in a bed with tucked in top sheets I can't help but laugh at picturing Christian kicking around like crazy to free his feet. :D

Richelle McGuire

Dear Keri,

I am sorry that it has taken me so long to write this. Truth be told, I have started writing it a few different times and everytime quit in frustration because I couldn’t find the words to express what is in my heart. 

The most significant memories I have with CJ happened last summer. It was a really difficult time for me and I spent a few different days with you and CJ.....just the three of us. It was then that I felt I really got to know him and your relationship with him. As I spent time with you two,I understood what a marriage can and should be. You truly live for each other and each other’s love. I found that after spending just a couple days around CJ it quickly became apparent that he is a special individual. He radiates love. Love for the gospel, love for life and just an incredibly obvious love for YOU. After a summer of feeling sorry for myself and all my woes I found inspiration through his example. I wanted to be different and better. It’s amazing how he does that to people. His influence is so powerful. 

What I truly think about when I think of memories of him is you. I think of how CJ affected your life. All of your wonderful qualities were magnified when CJ came into your life. Your love for the gospel among many other things became more and more apparent. When I think of what we are taught our whole lives about finding an eternal companion, I think of how we are told to find someone that brings out the best version of ourselves.I don’t think I really understood that principle until I saw that you and CJ are perfect examples of it. I admire you two for that and I aspire to do the same in my own marriage. 

A few months ago I was praying to find some words of comfort or to understand how to be the best friend and support for you that I could be. I was praying for the right words or for an experience that could help you in some way. On a Sunday night right after my prayers and before I went to bed, I started scrolling through my phone at all my past text messages. I stumbled upon the name “CJ” and my heart dropped. I opened the text conversation from months previous that I didn’t even know existed and all it said was “Let Keri know that I am home would you.” I felt overwhelmed by the spirit. I felt so much peace, I just wanted to transfer everything that I felt in that moment to you. The confirmation was undeniable. I know that CJ wants you to know he is home and he is waiting for you and I know that you know that.

Your strength inspires me. I am always here for you. Love you and Love CJ. 

Thank you for what you both have taught me.

Love Shell.